Internet

Thanks God for this Green Movement Toolbar. After 2 days, finally I could install that on Firefox browser and now I have access to some free VPN, anti-filters, and all I need. Before that I spent several hours to access my weblog but I couldn’t. Now we have ADSL which is faster than Dial-up connection we had before. I read something about internet through satellite. It’s not free but I’m going to find some way to buy that. There is a poem which says : “If God closed some doors, he would open some others”.  Thanks for people who spent time and money for providing us with these applications. I pray God helps them in their lives.

Goodbye Amsterdam

Few days before leaving Iran, after finishing most of the official works, I was somehow worried. Although I used to do whatever I wanted during my study in the university, although I had experiences that usually women don't have in Iran, although I had the experience of living far from my family from the age 18, I was afraid of leaving my husband. I was not sure about my decision; I was afraid that maybe this decision has some bad effects on our life.

I was sure that this would be a very nice experience. I was sure that lots of learning both related to my research and to my life is waiting for me. It was an opportunity to be alone and think about my life.

After the events related to the election of 2009 in Iran, I think that most of Iranian people experienced cataclysms in their minds and souls. This could be seen on Persian weblogs. There is a long gap (in some cases around 1 year) between posts before election and the ones after election. For me, being in the center of war, all of my thoughts started to change. There were lots of big question marks in front of lots of my beliefs. For a long time I was involved in answering those questions. There was lots of pressure on my mind. Like other Iranian people, I had kind of depression.

The night of departure, I cried a lot. The whole way from Iran to Amsterdam I was sad. My husband was different from my family. Before my marriage I was independent from every one; but I was dependent to my husband. He is one of the best husbands in the world.

I knew that as a human being I would adjust myself to the situation. I knew that this is a natural emotional reaction. My decision was to benefit this opportunity as much as possible. 

My life in Amsterdam started. I loved that. Something was happening in my soul. If I plot a curve to show the path I traversed, it would have a few (maybe two or three) critical points. Most of the path would be smooth. Being apart from the stressful society of Iran, I could treat my ill soul. I could relax although the revolutions and movements of the Middle East brought new pressures with themselves; New questions, new revolution of my soul. It took again few months to relax myself. 

All of this period, when I look at the way, I see the trace of my friends for feeling happy and enjoying my life. I want to say thanks to my Iranian and non-Iranian friends in Amsterdam. 

The friends in the group in UvA, I appreciate them for accepting me as a member of group, being patient against my bad English and bad behaviors, helping me and replying my questions from time to time.

Iranian friends, I appreciate them for accepting me in their friends' circles and inviting me to their homes, picnics, jogging and biking programs, and afternoon coffee gatherings in UvA. I'm sure that without some friends who speak with my mother tongue, it wouldn't be easy to be happy apart from Iran. 
I should say my special thanks to my supervisor, Shimon. There is a saying that "whoever learned me some word, has made me her/his servant". I learned research steps from Shimon. Although I was supposed to work much better than this, he was patient against me. One thing that gives me hope for the future is that I can continue my work with him through email.

If I love Amsterdam, obviously it's not just because of the nature, calm atmosphere, and hi-speed internet without any filter. Without you my friends, certainly I couldn't make this nice beautiful experience.

Return to Iran

I'm trying to make my brain ready for coming back to Iran. Again, there would be lots of official problems, traffic, pollution, depressed and poor people, security checks, lots of problems with internet, ...

But there are lots of other things that I can be happy with them. Although I do not have much dependency to my home, but my husband and I made it together, we painted it as we liked. Each room has a color and the ceilings have different colors. We bought everything based on the colors: green, orange, yellow, blue, pink, ...

I can climb the mountains with my husband or my friends. I can invite my friends who are like my sisters. I can see the babies of my husband's sister who were born when I was in Amsterdam. I can cook delicious foods with lots of facilities I have in the home. My husband and I can walk to the cookie store every night and can eat delicious cookies with lots of cream. Then we can go to the park near our home and watch children playing.

My friends and I can start the discussion sessions we had before. We can read books and talk about them. 

I have downloaded lots of lectures related to morality and religions and Quran which was not easy in Iran because of filtering and low speed internet. I can share them with my friends and we would have enough cultural food for at least 2 years. I became aware of some Quran sessions in Sharif University and I'm going to participate them. This is exactly what I was looking for during these years and I couldn't find any.

I want to go to English classes. I would like to improve my English so I can talk with my children in the future. It would be hard to find some nanny for the children who knows foreign languages. There are just few immigrants in Iran. 
I hope I can continue my work with my supervisor here through email. I hope I can find more motivation for my work. Maybe I start some common work and discussions with my friends who do research in different areas of Mathematics.
I found the group who I was a member of that 8 years ago. The group has been expanded during these years and now they have also a branch for helping poor people near our home. I left the group 7 years ago because after a year of cooperation, I reached to the point that I felt the real one who needs help is me. There were some of those children  in those poor situations who were happier than us. Now, I think that the reality is that both sides need each other. We can help them and they can help us. 
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Still they are sending people to prisons, still they are ruining the country, still they are stealing the resources of country, still they claim that they are God's agent on the earth, still pressures on the people are becoming more and more. They said that the national internet is going to start its work soon. This means that the few gates to the world even would be fewer than this. Still there is lots of Oppression on the earth. Still there are lots of people on this earth who die from starvation. 
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But I'm trying to give hope and energy to myself with some small reasons. It's not easy to sit and watch your country destroying. But, this is just very small part of thousands of years of humans lives on the earth. I know that there is some position for the human that if somebody reaches that point, then God would be seen every where and patience and peace would be the results of that position.

As a person in this sick society, I should look at my capabilities. First of all, I should work on myself. Living in the system and not becoming like that needs lots of energy. I should think about my daily life every night to find the mistakes and try to correct them. I should improve my relationship with God so I can be patient against everyday problems and difficulties.

I hope God helps me.