The new question

I feel that I’m in one of my revolutions. My soul is full of questions and I would not be calm till I receive an answer from God. This answer should be kind of believe, faith; something which surrounds my soul such that I cannot find the question any more.  But I know that this takes some time. Passing this period is not easy. 
I remember the first time I encountered the most important question of my life. My heart was beating all the moments. Even the time I was standing in a very crowded bus, I couldn’t feel anything from around. My brain and maybe my heart were busy by the question. Yes, it was the most difficult problem, not comparable with mathematical problems or problems usually occur in the life. After those days, when some daily problem occurs for me, I know that I should not take it serious.

Those days, I didn’t believe God. I didn’t pray. And I felt that the life doesn’t worth to live. I tried a lot. I asked my question from professors of the department. None of them could help me. I asked it from the morality teacher. He couldn’t help me. I tried to find the answer in books. I didn’t succeed. None of them convinced me. One of my friends told me that try to continue your life till you find the answer; otherwise you reach to the point that you even do not have any reason to stand. She introduced me a professor in Physics department. She said that she knows that this person has experienced the same situation.

He  was the only one who helped me. He described that he had experienced this doubt when he was studying phd in another country and he had a family. He described that he had left his family for few days but finally had found that this is not the way to solve the question. He wanted me to be patient. He wanted me to stop reading books and trying to find the answer inside them. He said that each person should write his/her own book. I was impatient and was worried not to find the answer. He just promised me that I would find the answer in a few months.

Yes, he was the only one who understood me and gave me enough energy to be patient against that hard situation.

During these eight years, I encountered some other questions. But they were not as important as the first one; and the solutions were not as strong as that first one. That one is kind of faith, a special present God gave to me. Few months after receiving that answer, I experienced a completely different life. The world was like the heaven for me. I loved all humans. I enjoyed from being alive moment by moment. I felt God everywhere, with my breaths coming out and going inside. I felt God with the trees, with the wind, with the sun, with the birds, with the humans. Sometimes I felt that my heart can not stand in my body anymore. I was thinking that what is the heaven? Is there any life better than this?

Unfortunately, those feelings were not permanent. For a long time, I was asking and complaining God for regaining that. I traveled a lot, I went to nature, mountain, desert; I participated in the activities of different groups. I went to war lands, the place of death of some martyrs. I even went to Mecca, to “Kaaba”; Although I saw God in all of those places, that life experience didn’t return. I was complaining God “If you wanted to regain that, why did you let me to experience that life. Now I know that there is a completely different life that is the real life and my life is not that one. Why did you inform me about that?”

Finally I resulted that “God wanted to show you the real life, the heaven. But, you should reach to it by your efforts. You should continue and do not give up trying. You should try to improve yourself, your thoughts, your morality, your humanity.”

When new serious questions occur for me, I become happy. It’s kind of pressure on me, but I consider them as steps which I should pass maybe one day I evolve so that I reach the life God showed me.

Again, I’m in one of those revolutions and I should ask God to help me. I should fix my relationship with God.